it would be so much easier

it would be so much easier if I could just hate you.
you don’t want me anyway..
you never looked at me the way I looked at you.

there are things that I don’t understand.
I don’t understand you, and I don’t understand me.
but I guess that’s life.
they said don’t try to analyze life
just live it.

it would be so much easier if I could just hate you
but I couldn’t
have I fell that deep for you?
cause some part of me still want you to want me

Amsterdam. 120810

in closing the door

It’s time to let go
It’s time to close that door
The door that leads me nowhere
Let it go…
It is what it is
No need to questions why
It might be just an illusion,
Though it hurts
So very much..

kata mutiara dari sahabat

Kata mutiara dari Imam Syafii as written in Negeri 5 Menara (A.Fuadi),
a book recently given/sent to me by my dearest best friend.

Orang berilmu dan beradab tidak akan diam di kampung halaman
Tinggalkan negerimu dan merantaulah ke negeri orang
Merantaulah, kau akan dapatkan pengganti dari kerabat dan kawan
Berlelah-lelahlah, manisnya hidup terasa setelah lelah berjuang

Aku melihat air menjadi rusak karena diam tertahan
Jika mengalir menjadi jernih, jika tidak, kan keruh menggenang

Singa jika tak tinggalkan sarang tak akan dapat mangsa
Anak panah jika tidak tinggalkan bsur tak akan kena sasaran

Jika matahari di orbitnya tidak bergerak dan terus diam
Tentu manusia bosan padanya dan enggan memandang

Bijih emas bagaikan tanah biasa sebelum digali dari tambang
Kayu gaharu tak ubahnya seperti kayu biasa
jika di dalam hutan

Imam Syafii

PS: Mit, there are no words…
to express how grateful I am to have you in my life
Thank you for all your supports, friendship and love .
22 years…and counting

doaku

Dalam doa malamku kau menjelma denyut jantungku,
yang dengan sabar bersitahan terhadap rasa sakit
yang entah batasnya, yang setia mengusut rahasia
demi rahasia, yang tak putus-putusnya bernyanyi
bagi kehidupanku

Aku mencintaimu.
Itu sebabnya aku takkan pernah selesai mendoakan
keselamatanmu

(sapardi djoko damono)

dedicated to papa

lucky bastard

Funny…for the past two months things started to fall into its places for me.
After all those shed of tears and blood (alright a bit hyperbolic there)
But seriously…. those who knew would understand.

1st the presentations in US, plus that dream-came-true trip to NY and Boston for a bonus.
Although I got broke for a month after that. But who cares..I was in NY!!

And then that SENSATIONAL presentation at Chirurgendagen (the conference for The Dutch Society of Surgeon).
I know, i know, I might sound a bit of a narcissist there; but come on! as an Indonesian presented my work at the best abstract session, in front of all those Dutch surgeons, I deserved all the right to be proud of myself!!
It was such a nice feeling when in the evening a professor approached me congratulated me for my presentation .
And the best part is when that dear stingy professor of mine literally said, behold, ” Dara congratulation for the presentation, I’m honored to see you giving the presentation there”.
Thanks Dink, I appreciate it. Although…I would love you more if you increased my salary a little bit more..

And..on top of that…my other dear professor, oh how I love him, brought good news for me!
He told me that he’s now setting up a scheme of collaboration between Amsterdam and Indonesia
AND… he would include me in!!!
I will be their test case, which of course I won’t mind at all!!
The fact that I might be able to have (half) of my training here..is like a dream coming true for me.
But again…emang belum 100% pasti, but I am few steps away from it!
Alhamdulillah Allah, You really work in mysterious way!

And then, it’s come to me…to question myself (yeah we are so funny sometimes), am I deserve this? am I good enough for this?

or I’m just one lucky bastard??

One thing for sure, I am just someone who has that big dreams.
and now that what I’ve been dreaming of is right in front of me
what i need to do is just grab that chance and
work my ass off!!
for my self and eventually to open doors for others
cause after all I’m just a lucky bastard!

on ur birthday

On your birthday…

These are my wishes for you:

Comfort on difficult days,

smiles when sadness intrudes,

rainbows to follow the clouds,

laughter to kiss your lips,

sunsets to warm your heart,

hugs when spirits sag,

beauty for your eyes to see,

friendships to brighten your being,

faith so that you can believe,

confidence for when you doubt,

courage to know yourself,

patience to accept the truth,

Love to complete your life.”

…..Happy Birthday!…

PS: okay must admit that this is not original. However, I thought about you the first time I saw this quotations on a card in NY

to persevere

At times when the going gets though
when everything was falling apart
then right there
u felt like u just want to quit..
threw everything away and
just stopped right there
flew somewhere to find ur comfort.

but yet…with that little courage inside of you,
powered by the love that surrounds you and that faith inside of you
you persevered
you kept on going
constantly telling yourself that if u failed one day u’d surely regret it
but if u preserved one day u’d be proud of ur self

and indeed to be able to persevere, would make u feel good about ur self
and u then thanked Him for giving u the strength

as Winston Churchil once said:
“when you’re going through hell, keep on going!”

dedicated to those who’ve seen me in when I was in the dark

Life is Beautiful! (no matter how sucks it could be sometimes)

Song that I currently been listening to.

over and over…

gak ngerti..

November almost over
we’ve reached the end of fall
why don’t I feel any better?
gak ngerti…
rasanya semua usaha sudah dikerahkan
I tried my best
there were times when I’d just hope that I could keep my head above the water
there were times when I could keep my head up
but still
hati rasanya belum tenang
then I grew weary
at the end
pikiran gak bisa fokus
am I becoming so weak?
or do I always this weak?
gak ngerti…
At the end of the day and at the begging of each day
All I could wish for is for HIM to help me to get through the day
to calm myself down
and to keep that little bit of hope alive

14.11.07-14.11.08

Last week Nov 14 I turned 28…
Kinda feel old but they said 28 is a good age!
what did I learned from the the previous year?? A LOT!!
1. starting my own life
2. know how it feel to be homeless, and desperately looking for one..until I found one!
3. working my ass off, with a very little results! yeah..experimental research
4. grew depressed with my work that I thought of quiting
5. fall in Love!!
6. go beyond my limit in the name of love
7. went to Portugal and Paris (while still in love of course)
8. got my heart broken
9. losing my hope and got so weary of everything

Yeah..what could be worst than celebrating ur birthday with ur heart broken, and without your love ones around you…

but on Nov 14, once again GOD has shown His kindness..
I was overwhelmed with the love and attention from people:
family (ofcourse…Mom sent the first sms. I was the one who should thanked you mom)
a nice friend who’s willing to accompany me the night that I was really considering of quitting everything
my best friend’s blog
my facebook wall that was full of birthday wishes…
….seriously it was full! old friends, new friends, acquaintances
my colleagues and my boss! I even got 3 kisses (on the cheek of course) from Ron!

Thank you ALLAH for showing me all the love around me
thank you for giving me the reason to stand on my feet again..
although I don’t know if I’d be able to hope for happiness again
but for now…I’m gonna live my life for my love ones