Love…

(found this in my draft file, should’ve posted it long long ago)

Love simply is

yes love simply is!
you don’t know why you love
you don’t have to have reason to fall in love with someone
you may have reasons to LIKE someone
but with love…
you just love

people say don’t fall in love
well that’s strange, isn’t it?
because Love is something you FELL in to, instead of STEPPED in to
therefore you would never know when to fall in love
you could never be prepare
it’s beyond logic
Although when you fall in love, you got two choices
Whether not to try, cause it’s simply to painful when it’s not working
(some part of you obviously creates this self defense mechanism, creating the shell around ur heart)
Or just be true to you heart
Open ur shell
Taking ur chances for happiness

For me, I have to fight with my self first
cause my shell is obviously quiet thick..
I don’t want to get hurt anymore (and who does??)
but no matter how hard I fight it,
deep down inside I know I’ve fallen
and I decided to be true to heart

I never know my capacity of loving someone
this thing is quiet new to me
and it constantly teaches me and surprises me
I never know that I actually able to do something for someone I care
giving in my heart, giving in my all
(even knowing the chances of getting hurt is just so huge)
Yet I love

Yes I might lose control sometimes, becoming too emotional, wanting him to understand me
like I said I’m constantly learning…
The only thing I don’t want to happen is tiring the one I love
cause I know he also got the right to choose and obviously have feeling and plans

Love may take you flying so high over the top
makes you feel so unbelievably happy
However as easy as turning ur palm,
it can crash you down back to earth
the higher you fly, the more u see, the happier u became
but also the more painful it becomes when you fell
and when love crashes u down, (again) you got two choices
to quit or to steadfast

And I’ve chosen to perserve, stay put
I don’t know until how long I’m able to do this
this might be my stubbornness, my self destructing behavior
or simply because this is Love

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miss u dad

I miss my dad, so terribly
Try to call him several times but it’s just so difficult to get the connection
Was chatting with my brother last week;
he said that, me and my dad we have the same way of thinking?
really?? hahaha yeah I wish I was more like him 🙂

My dad..
a man who taught me never to give up
a man who constantly told me to make decisions, stop being in doubt, and never looking back
a man who constantly told me to stay positive
and keep on trying
a man who understands me even though I didn’t say a thing
a man who constantly shower me with his wisdom
a man with few words with such a big big heart
and a man who taught me how to love

I really really miss you…
How sometimes I wish you were here, to make things a little bit easier for me
but ur love and what you’ve given me so far is more than enough for me to face the world

My quite sunday morning

It’s Sunday again
Woke up a little bit later than I used to..
But still got a chance to enjoy my quite Sunday morning

Not much here just me, my music, my coffee, my book and of course my sprouting thoughts
This morning was a mellow one
a cloudy sky and a little bit of rain..
I don’t mind,
I kind of like it anyway
A perfect time to do nothing but contemplate,
let my thoughts wondering around..

I hope someday I’d be able to share this moment with my love
chat over things, drink our coffee
or simply do nothing but laying on each other arms..

Bu for now..to be able to have this quite Sunday morning
is already a blessing

one and a half years ago

“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

where you used to sit

Reading this quote reminding me of you (halah sok romantis gue..)
It’s been almost one and a half years ago
We used to spend hours sitting at starbucks
We chat, laughed, and sometimes cried over things..
From serious to silly things and yeah most of the time about men 🙂

Our Saturday nite cinema

where we were the only girl with a girl
among orang-orang yg lagi pacaran 🙂

miss those old times

time flies dear..
life goes on..
now what we have is just yahoo messenger and sms
but it’s good to know that we’ll always have each other!
miles apart and yet close at heart

take care!
I wish you well! You know I always do!
Teman yg selalu gue kagumin kesabaran, ketegaran, dan keteguhan hatinya!

wild horse

It’s been weeks that I really couldn’t concentrate on my work and other things..
I’m officially neurotic (a self diagnosis, confirmed by a friend who’s currently a 2nd year resident in psychiatry).
He was about to prescribe me a mood stabilizer or an anti-depressant, to bad he is Indonesia.
I have tried everything to keep my sanity!!
1. Talked to some friends (until I grew tired and felt like such a fool by exposing myself like that),
2. Forced myself to work and ended up disappointed at my lack of capability in dividing my problems! And as always..things would go wrong when you least expected it!
The broken laser probe has delayed my experiment!
My dear co-supervisor who NOTE: broke that probe could not fixed it and HE ASKED ME to contact someone to find how to order one?? (yeah, Dutch with their colonialism blood!)
Ehm, remain me again who broke that probe?
3. Went out with some friends or wondering around the city,
4. Cleaned up my room (but within hours it was a mess again)
5. Shopped (pretty helpful but I’m now officially neurotic and broke!!),
6. Wrote those depressive blog etc etc..

Sometimes those efforts worked sometimes they didn’t.
Sometimes I’m able to gain control over myself, but there were times when I failed.
The fluctuation of mood from elation to depressive is really tiring.
And worst…I couldn’t stand being around happy people.
(Forgive me my dear friend, is not that I’m not happy with you and your prospective BF, it’s just I’m seriously not in the mood of listening about this and that of what he has done for you etc etc…)

So in order to keep my sanity, I decided to withdrawn myself a little while longer, take some (more) time to contemplate.
In my solitude I tried to read..and (as always) books help me to think clearly.
I learned that the source of my problem might be the emotions that has been running wildly.
Emotions indeed is a wild horse, and it takes HUGE wisdom to control them.
I hope one day I’d be able to mastered it.
I’m also learning to be more patience (which is very hard!!)
Be more reflective to myself, and STOP talking to others about particular things!!
I also learn to interpret that “the DEVIL IS IN THE DETAIL”
sometimes..when you’ve done all you could do…all you need is just to stand still and (according to him) let’s GOD do his part.
Stop questioning things, stop asking for details!!
Eventually feels a lot better than actually, rite?

well yeah…I know that thinking is one thing and doing is another thing.
I still wish that certain people would be here with me at this moment.
But I’m doing my best now, and to be able to think clearly today is already a bless!
Cause tomorrow or even in few hours there’s always a possibility that I’d be going back to my depressive mode.

from Gie

A poem by Soe Hok Gie.
Romantis…hiks..kapan ya ada yg bikin puisi beginian buat saya..
halah…

Akhirnya semua akan tiba
pada suatu hari yang biasa
pada suatu ketika yang telah lama kita ketahui

apakah kau masih berbicara selembut dahulu
memintaku minum susu dan tidur lelap
Sambil membenarkan letak leher kemejaku

(kabut tipis pun turun pelan-pelan
di lembah kasih, lembah mandalawangi
kau dan aku tegak berdiri
melihat hutan-hutan yang menjadi suram
meresapi belaian angin yang menjadi dingin)

apakah kau masih membelaiku semesra dahulu
ketika kudekap kau
dekaplah lebih mesra, lebih dekat

(lampu-lampu berkelipan di jakarta yang sepi
kota kita berdua, yang tua dan terlena dalam mimpinya
kau dan aku berbicara
tanpa kata, tanpa suara
ketika malam yang basah menyelimuti jakarta kita)

apakah kau masih akan berkata
kudengar derap jantungmu
kita begitu berbeda dalam semua
kecuali dalam cinta

(hari pun menjadi malam
kulihat semuanya menjadi muram
wajah-wajah yang tidak kita kenal berbicara
dalam bahasa yang kita tidak mengerti
seperti kabut pagi itu)

manisku, aku akan jalan terus
membawa kenangan-kenangan dan harapan-harapan
bersama hidup yang begitu biru

(Gie) Cahaya bulan

sincerity

Was talking to a friend this evening
I was such a fool…I really thought he cares for me
like really care as a friend
but it turns out that he just wanted to proof that I couldn’t hold on to my principal
all he cares is about winning the bet.
It’s not that he’s not a good friend…
He IS a good friend but is he really someone I can turn onto?
I honestly doubt it.
Is it like that here?
All people care is him/herself?
What happen to sincerity? what happen to friendship??
does anyone really care??
I guess what a friend (a sincere one) once told me is true, “don’t be too open to others, keep certain things to yourself!”
Oh the naive me.. I thought some people really do care
or perhaps I was the one who’s to full of myself (this is also possible)
Anyhow…at the end we all have to wear our own shield
and do our best to stand tall on our own.
It’s not that I’m not used to this..I’m used to this!!
It’s just when from time to time I got clumsy, tripped over and fell down
Sometimes I wish someone would be there offering a hand to help me standing again.
But I guess it’s not like that, or it won’t never be like that..
You’d always have to gather yourself up, steadying your steps so that next time you won’t trip for the million times.

At this moment..
I really miss you!

If only..

If only

I could rip off my chest

put my heart aside

so it’d stop hurting..

If only

I could drill into my skull

reach down to the emotion center of my brain

made a big big hole there so that it’d numb me from any emotional feeling

If only

I could put aside all these thoughts and emotional feelings

gained control over myself

only then..I guess life would be easier.

But this time..I really feel like I was drowning

drowning so deep that I could barely pull myself out..

A holiday with a mixed feeling

What a holiday!!
Just got back from my 8 days holiday with Hugo, Viktor and Jany.
We went to Albufeira, Portugal, a touristic city by the beach with a burning temperature!!

Overall it was a very nice and relaxing holiday (with a mixed feeling during and after the holiday).
Almost everyday (in the afternoon of course) we were sunbathing on the beach!!!
Well okay, half sunbathing for me and Jany, since we were sitting under the umbrella.
We were the only (already) brown skinned people there and I guess I was the only Indonesian!
However, it was nice…laying on the beach doing nothing but eating pringles, looking at people and when it got really hot dived into the sea to chill out…..ah heaven!!
At nite we had dinner by the beach with good food (sorry couldn’t say great because the great seafood is still the one in Makassar!), strolled along the city or the beach, sat by the beach, or sat at the balcony and chat.
So relaxing…miss it already…

However for me it was a holiday with a mixed feeling…
the 8 days could somehow felt short and at the same time felt long as well.
For the first few days I was feeling a little left out, well for one simple reason: they were talking in Dutch and my Dutch failed me, no matter how much I tried to understand them, I could barely follow the conversation… and it sucks!
And worse, it continued for a couple of days.
And since I’m such a bad follower, I hated not knowing where we were going and what were the plan.
I finally talked to Hugo and he said it would be okay within few days, I’d be more relaxed then.
So that, the left out feeling plus the little “drama” had made me really want to go home instead!
Perhaps I was expecting a little bit too much though.

But luckily, after a night of contemplation, swimming my thought out and tried to indicate the problem (talking to myself using my brain instead of my emotion).
Finally I came to my senses and surprisingly I managed to pull my self together.
Indeed it was not that easy, but I made it (or at least I guess I made it)!!
At the end I was could enjoy the vacation, I was having a good time with myself, with the four of us (and sometimes with the two of us, right?).

There was nothing compared to swimming in the sea. That is one of the best way to contemplate because there were only me and the sea…
I could talked to myself or even shout at myself and swam my heart and my thought out.
Next to the swimming, walking on the wet sands, barefoot, with waves brushing my feet from time to time brought a soothing and relaxing feeling…
Unfortunately the sun was not setting to the sea, so no romantic sunset this time.
However, a sitting by the beach at nite just us, watching the stars and the moon, plus the sounds of the waves crashing onto the beach…was just perfect!!
at nite laying on my bed I could hear the sounds of the waves and the smell of the sea..
that plus cups of coffee in the morning at the balcony or at the cafe near beach, some chat and watching people… again what a perfect life !!
All of those had made me realize how small is a human being compare to the see and everything else on earth, and therefore there are many (many) things that just beyond our control..
Just live your life, do your best, let it happen and celebrate your life!

So despite the drama, which then I found out was a PMS after all (what a relief! I almost thought that I couldn’t control myself anymore),overall I can say that I had a nice time in Albufeira.
Nice people, nice food, nice place, burning weather, and nice companies..

Even though I hate leaving Portugal, it feels good to be back in Amsterdam…
Yes it is true that now I should be getting back to work, start worrying about the housing problem and the verhuizen (oh I hate that!!) but…the most important thing is that I got a feeling that everything is gonna be okay (and I hope it will be!)
From now on, I will focus on the important things, and for the rest (including Love) will eventually come along.

-Nana-

PS: For you who had convince me to go.
If you read this, I just want to thank you for everything, including for convincing me to go and being there when I was down (sorry for those little drama)
Answering ur question the other day, my answer would be yes I would definitely go!
So next destination?? 🙂

my first swimming competition in the Netherlands!

I was swimming again!!
and not only for fun, but for a real competition!!
(well it was not a REAL competition like I used to but it was for the chirurgencup)
Chirurgencup is the yearly competition between the surgery department in the Netherlands.
So as surgeons..they would not play for fun but to win!!
But I did it for fun though!

I did the swimming part of the triathlon relay and it was special to me because it was:
– my first open water swimming
– of course was the first competition after 6 years
– and my first competition representing the Dutch and also against the Dutch (yep indeed I swam against men twice my size!!)
and…the result was not that bad I guess.
I finished 3rd
I lost only to the two Dutch guys (twice my size) and I finished first of all the female swimmers

So for the triathlon overall we finished 3rd
(I finished 3rd, Mathias the cyclist finished first and Nienke closed the race at the 3rd place)
Not a bad result I guess, since the AMC fucked up hockey, football, and rope pulling.

But seriously I was dead tired!!
I almost thought I couldn’t make it..
Everybody was just so fast!
All I could think of was at least I was not the last one!!
And that I didn’t want to embarrassed myself in front of everybody and of course I want to show them that I could do this and of course I want to win for my team!
Therefore I WOULD NOT give up!

So yeah…I guess it was more of a competition against myself.
It’s been years since the last time I competed against myself (physically)…
I must say that I’m quite proud of my self cause I made it!! hahaha
I still have that mentality of competing and don’t want to lose!
and I guess now it is even more than before…(back then, I tend to be to easy to myself…)
so anyhow…the result was not bad at all
specially with only 2x practice!!

plus…I proved to my colleagues and the surgeons that this Indonesian girl can really swim (I know some of them had doubt on me..hahaha!)
I guess they doubted my even more cause yesterday I completely wrongly dressed!
( stupidly I haven’t done my laundry, so I showed up with my skirt while everybody was with their sporty outfit!!)
But it was good though, cause I am now their beautiful swimmer!!
and also the queen of the lake swimming hahaha!
Anyhow, most importantly I proved to myself that I could still win against myself!
and that’s what count!